This is a difficult post to write, mainly because one of the main principals in the anecdote is a very dear friend who has no clue the amount of distress he caused- and one who, it must be noted, would never intentionally hurt a fly, much less a friend... but here's what happened.
Recently, I decided to be brave and post a profile photo on FB that actually DID look like me- all 61 yrs of me- wrinkles, grey hair and all. Before that, I was very careful about my picture... It's not that I photoshopped them, or that they weren't me, or that I'd posted photos from years ago, but I did manage to find the very best photos of the lot, low light, taken from such a distance with such a poor quality camera, cropped just so, that they made me look younger- thinner. Lately, though, I'd had this thought. What if someone was familiar with my profile photo, and then, actually met me... wouldn't they be .... surprised? shocked? was that fair? what did that say about me? that I felt the compulsion to present a better me to the world than I really was? And what was wrong with displaying my true self to the world? I AM 61 1/2 yrs. old! And I'm grey, and overweight, and lined, but I'm still alive! Isn't that ok? When does it get to be ok to be me? the way I am? When do I get to be enough?
So, I hit the save button, and attached the photo to my Facebook wall. It didn't take long. There were many lovely comments from people. People didn't seem to care that I'd aged. I relaxed- I had this.
And then... I got the message. Once again, I really do have to reiterate that this is truly a lovely, KIND, caring person who would give you the shirt off his back. He's older, and works hard for equality for all peoples. He's concerned about the environment, and is always the first to lend a hand or support when you're hurting. He and his beautiful wife have been friends of our family for over 10 yrs. and though I've never met them face-to-face, they've shared Life's challenges with us- they've shared their love for our family.... over and over.
Even so, there's no way he could know when he told me my profile pic was worse than the last one- and that I looked like a tired 75 yr. old- and why couldn't I just smile? and here.... I'll find you a PRETTY profile pic (and they were all from AT LEAST a year ago- one was when I was 15!!!) there was no way he could know I was hearing my father's voice. And, since I tend to hide it well, there's no way he could know that I was never good enough for my father... never smart enough, accomplished enough, quiet enough, pretty enough. He couldn't know that my father told me, "You have never done anything in your life worthy of me loving you." He could not know that I've lived my years letting down my husband, and my children. While I'm close.... I've never been quite enough for anyone. And it was years and years ago that I remember crying, "Isn't there a place for ME in this world?" When, would it ever be ok for me to just be me? When would I be enough just as I was?
If I were counseling someone else, of course I would tell them that they were enough.... every step of the way. That outside beauty is fleeting and unimportant anyway. I would urge them to see that this old World needs the infinite variety of people of all ethnicities, ages, talents, and accomplishments. Physical features and youth are at the very bottom of the pile when ordered in importance- WELL below wisdom, kindness, honesty, integrity and the ability to empathize. But somehow, I cannot see my way to giving myself a break.
And aging doesn't help. Now, at 61 1/2, I am no longer getting all the perks that go along with being attractive. Instead of being the recipient of admiring glances, I find, as do most seniors, I'm fairly invisible. It sometimes feels like I'm fading away. Aging is difficult for many women but our American society doesn't help matters much. Men age gracefully- Silver Foxes- but women are too often seen as crones. We're bombarded with Anti-aging products, (as if that were the least bit possible)! Women celebrities quietly succumb to facelifts and plastic surgeries in order to be presentable in modern media. And who, men OR women, enjoys aging? with it's ensuing aches and pains, progressive limitations, and difficulties seeing and hearing. "Growing old ain't for the faint of heart!" as the old saying goes so hearing that you're losing your attractiveness is difficult to swallow.
If I were counseling someone else, of course I would tell them that they were enough.... every step of the way. That outside beauty is fleeting and unimportant anyway. I would urge them to see that this old World needs the infinite variety of people of all ethnicities, ages, talents, and accomplishments. Physical features and youth are at the very bottom of the pile when ordered in importance- WELL below wisdom, kindness, honesty, integrity and the ability to empathize. But somehow, I cannot see my way to giving myself a break.
And aging doesn't help. Now, at 61 1/2, I am no longer getting all the perks that go along with being attractive. Instead of being the recipient of admiring glances, I find, as do most seniors, I'm fairly invisible. It sometimes feels like I'm fading away. Aging is difficult for many women but our American society doesn't help matters much. Men age gracefully- Silver Foxes- but women are too often seen as crones. We're bombarded with Anti-aging products, (as if that were the least bit possible)! Women celebrities quietly succumb to facelifts and plastic surgeries in order to be presentable in modern media. And who, men OR women, enjoys aging? with it's ensuing aches and pains, progressive limitations, and difficulties seeing and hearing. "Growing old ain't for the faint of heart!" as the old saying goes so hearing that you're losing your attractiveness is difficult to swallow.
Still.... for me so far... it's better than the alternative. The reality is that I AM 61 1/2, overweight, wrinkled and grey. I am working on accepting that and knowing that in the Big Picture, that's the least of who I am. Someday, I may try being brave again, because, I know I'm right. 
The reasons I first posted that photo were not out of vanity, but out of the fledgling hope that people can just be themselves and be enough.
The reasons I first posted that photo were not out of vanity, but out of the fledgling hope that people can just be themselves and be enough.
