Making a decision

We're encompased by fire in my little oasis. The smoke is thick... seriously, as if you could-cut-it-with-a-knife thick. Whenever you venture outside, you end up, literally, chewing the smoke, and coming back inside with your clothes smelling like you've spent the night around a campfire. Our mountains have disappeared, and the surrounding trees are hazy.

It feels like the End Days, have arrived! or if Atlas has shrugged in an effort to rid himself of his human burden (an endeavor I wouldn't blame him for, one bit!) 

I'm constantly being fussed at by concerned friends, newscasts, newspapers, and radio to STAY INSIDE! Air quality is graphed as maroon... which apparently means it's as unhealthy as it can get. I understand. I'm an intelligent woman- regardless what some may tell you! ;) 

And yet......

I was recently shocked and devastated by the news of a friend's tragic death. Colleen was a retired teacher around my age whom I'd met online when she admired some of my photos posted on Wunderground. (here's the link if you're interested: http://www.wunderground.com/wximage/silvyr/) Colleen and I shared a love of horses. She had just retired, when I met her, and was in the process of building her dream home in Montana. And she accomplished this! and lived for several years in a lovely log cabin, furnished with Western decor. 

 But, the second part of her vision, was to own and ride her own horse. Colleen wanted to be a Montana cowgirl! With this in mind, I tried to steer her towards a safe, steady, reliable mount, but Colleen was not to be swayed, and she purchased a young, unbroken Paint mare, whom she named Shadow. I was not onboard... and I told all who would listen (read here Bruce and Chelsey) that I was afraid she'd never be able to ride the animal! But as time went by, I became aware of the fact that Shadow gave Colleen much more than just a horse to ride. With Shadow, Colleen was ushered into the "horsey" world.  She was able to talk about HER horse, and discuss training techniques, and what halters to buy, and shared her concern over how cold it was in the Winter, and did her horse need a blanket? etc.  And meanwhile, she was spending money on training... a lot of training... and Shadow turned into an amazing, gentle, steady mare.

On Aug. 6th, Shadow's trainer had Colleen out to the stable and started working with her on how to do ground work, etc.- the very first step toward realizing Colleen's goal of riding Shadow! And the next morning, a friend came to pick her up, and found her laying on the bathroom floor- dead. 

Dead. 

Taken way before her time... taken at a point in her life where she was so close to achieving a lifelong dream... a freak accident with a permanent ending.

 Just. Like. That. 

 And so... as I looked out at the smokey landscape I started thinking about what I would regret if I broke my neck tomorrow. Would I have wished to stay inside, twiddling my thumbs, cleaning, organizing, and getting mundane chores finished? OR would I have wished that I'd jumped on my horse, and taken her for a ride through the woods? Would I wish I hadn't chanced inhaling smoke?  Would I wish I'd waited until the smoke cleared from the valleys- (which could, and probably will, be months from now). Would I regret playing it safe inside my house?

(this photo was taken a year ago- note: no smoke!).

When I decided to retire, it was with the intention of grabbing hold of life with both hands, and taking it for a ride! My predominant vision being that I had things to do, and places to go, and I felt I was running out of time to accomplish it all. Colleens' death just exacerbated that feeling.  And so- Maggie and I took a gentle ride- no exertion which would leave us both breathing heavily- just a stroll through the woods, where we took note of the changing colors of underbrush (the ferns are turning yellow already!) and listened to birdsong, and discussed the possibility of seeing wildlife.  And it may have been stupid... or at the least, not entirely prudent... (although, I need to remind everyone that I do not smoke, nor do I have asthma, or any health problems) 

AND YET... 

I'll bet you, I'll remember this day, and this ride and be grateful for it on my deathbed, whenever that may be.

 AND,

 I bet.... Colleen would have chosen this, too, in her final moments.