On going process

Anyone who has been following my facebook page has gotten hints at what is going on in my life lately. I sent my two mares away for Spring training last May. The results were a mixed bag.  Wynter came home more docile and obedient than ever (although, that wore off! LOL).

Journey, on the other hand, was a totally different horse.  It took weeks to get her to come to me again. She was nervous where she had been calm, and then, came the fateful day, when she bucked off my daughter, Chelsey (who is a great, confident rider).  This was not one little buck, this was bucking any rodeo bronc would have been proud of. 

 I lost my confidence in Journey. I lost my confidence in myself.  I sincerely felt like I'd gambled and lost.  I'd had such high hopes for Journey on her return from the trainer- I'd pictured a long summer of tranquil rides through the woods, cantering in the fields. It seemed to me that all the money I'd scrimped and saved and hoarded so I could pay a trainer, went down the tubes. My dream seemed unattainable, and so, I became extremely depressed. 

(And of course, when it rains, it pours. I blew out my knee, and spent a week immobile, and then... my father died. *sighs*)

BUT... I have a very difficult time letting go of ANYTHING. LOL! Ask my family.  So, I began to FORCE myself to go out and ride Journey... VERY short rides that ended on a good note. (I'm not sure anyone will be able to understand the amount of courage that took for me.  I would literally shake, and have trouble catching my breath as I tried to mount- which didn't inspire a great deal of confidence in my horse for her rider. I had to constantly push myself through a myriad of excuses each day and compel myself to go down to the barn. My fear embarrasses me to this day, and I don't quite understand it's origin or power). 

One thing kept me going... my dream of who I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do.  I started looking, searching for another way to attain my goal.  I got to thinking about one of my Preschool Mom's- the one who sold me Wynter.  I didn't want to impose on her, and I was embarrassed to approach her, but I took my pride in hand, and sent her an email.

Hey Shannon,
Now that your summer camps are over, and the fair is over....  I'm wondering if I could offer you a job?  I can pay $720 (which is the cost of preschool for one year).  You could have free preschool for Maddie, OR if you'd rather have the money up front, I can do that, too. 

I am old- I've blown out both my knees, I have this weird heart thing going on, and arthritis in every joint.... add that to the peripheral neuropathy that I've been battling for years, and I'm not sure just how many good years I have left.  This isn't to get sympathy.  I DO NOT want sympathy... I want, desperately, to get someone to help me with the mares.  My dream is to be able to ride out in the field, on the trail, etc. alone without fearing for my life. :)   I want, desperately, a laid back, lazy, dull, well behaved horse.  I know no one gets a horse like that without putting in a lot of time and effort, and I'm willing to put in the time and effort- BUT....  I have to have Journey at a certain point before I can start.  I feel like Journey's next ride is critical.  She CANNOT be allowed to get away with bucking, and poor behavior.  I am not the person who can do that.  But, I think YOU are.

Here's the catch.... I know that you know MUCH more than I do about horses and training, BUT I know more about my mental state! LOL!  and I need you to drive out here to train Journey- here.  I need you to ride her alone, on the same trails I would be riding.  I need to recreate the problems I've been having. 

I can understand if you don't the the time, or don't want to do this. (PLEASE don't feel bad about saying No for whatever reason.  I know this is a HUGE imposition- OR if you think it would take more money.... then... let me try to scrounge something up. Just let me know).  But if you'd rather not do this, could you recommend someone who would?
much love,
~M 

And..... she agreed!!!  which takes us just to the beginning of the "on going process" and more posts on all this soon.